Crocodile Rock!
by Merccy
Summary: You've seen the Matrix. But have you seen it with crocodiles? Chapter 4- Thanks and such now up, making this fic COMPLETED.
1. Chapter 1

Crocodile Rock 

By Mercury

Author Notes: Ya'll ready for this? This was the product of a very strange thread on the Hardline. Basically, it's _The Matrix_… but everyone is a crocodile. Thanks go out to all the wonderful Hardline people who helped me develop it, and those who commented on it already.

Feedback is appreciated but not demanded. Try not to take this too seriously… enjoy!

The hallway in the run-down building was dusty and abandoned, lit only by the cops' flashlights that shone from the tops of their bright yellow construction hats (After a previous mission, the cops had learned from experience that holding flashlights could be quite difficult when you lacked opposable thumbs.). The first cop turned his head and nodded to the larger one behind him. Suddenly, the huge crocodile policeman lunged forward towards the door.

"Ow." Remarked one of the rookie cops after watching his reptilian boss slide down the door.

"Apparently headfirst isn't the best way to go, Chief." Another cop said.

"I _knew _that." Came the Chief's sharp response as he tried to get rid of the stars that were spinning around his head. "Now quiet down. We've got work to do." With a swoosh of his tail, the door flew off its hinges, exposing a young, female crocodile dressed in excess amounts of leather.

"Freeze!"

"Police!"

"Claws on your head!"

The attractive hacker, Trinity, attempted to work her hands up onto the top of her head, but eventually gave up. "I... uh... can't."

The cops sighed. The Chief inched forward a little, cautious of the croc in front of him.

--- Meanwhile, outside... ---

A black car drove up in front of the abandoned "Tart O' the City" bakery (once famous for it's delicious lemon parfaits). The doors swung open and out came three Agents.

The cops had rarely seen Agents before, but these crocs had an unmistakable air of menace and importance surrounding them, causing many of the young rookies to scurry away at the sight of them and their top hats.

"Lieutenant." Called one Agent, adjusting his silk top hat ever so slightly. 

"_Oh_ shit..."

"Lieutenant, I gave _specific_ orders." The crocodile raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, confusing several of the other cops who, up until now, didn't know they _had_ eyebrows.

"I think we can handle one little girl." The Agent gave him a look filled with as much disgust as he could muster, the result being quite frightening. "I sent two units!" He quickly added, for fear of being decapitated with his deadly-looking tail.

"No, Lieutenant, your crocs are already dead." The Agents began to crawl up the stairs of the bakery, leaving behind a very bewildered police officer. Too bewildered, in fact, to tell the Agent that he was only a Captain.

--- And back inside... ---

The female croc lunged forward and sent the Chief flying with a high kick, somehow managed with her short, stubby legs. Two cops ran up to her and she leaped into the air before thwacking them each in the face with her tail. After a few snaps of her jaw and some masterful bullet dodging, and she was able to exit.

Stepping around the disembodied heads of some croc cops, she poked her head out through the door, only to be greeted by a unit of cops and... an Agent.

"Please stay where you are with your hands on your-"

Turning around, she started to waddle as fast as she could towards the window. The Agent immediately began to go after her.

"...head..." The cop with the megaphone trailed off. "Well, what the hell. I haven't seen a good fight scene in ages."

"What about the time when Chief beat up the milkman?"

"Yeah, but that was a week ago!"

Trinity was going as fast as she could, with the Agent hot on her tail. _Stay focused_, she thought to herself. _You've gotta keep going and going and_

--- 15 minutes later... ---

_going and going and... made it!_ Without pausing to look back at the panting Agent and half-asleep cops, she placed her body on the building's ledge and pushed off, soaring through the air and safely landing on a building on the other side.

Down below, a croc child stopped her mother. "Mommy, a crocodile in black leather just went flying through the air!"

"Don't be ridiculous, darling."

A few moments later and a figure wearing a top hat followed suit and went soaring.

"Another one just flew, too! And he had a top hat!"

The cops paused to gaze in wonder at his feat. "How does his hat stay on?"

"I don't know, maybe it's permanently attached."

On the rooftop, Trinity paused as she reached the edge of the building. A bullet whizzed by her ear, but she paid no attention to it and instead leaped off and dove through the window, landing on the floor in front of a staircase.

"Get up," she said to herself, lying in a pile of broken glass, clutching a gun in each hand. "Get up n-"

"Who are you talking too?" Said the housekeeper, passing by with a broom. Trinity whirled around and the housekeeper fled as quickly as she could at the sight of the guns. Struggling to move in her tight black leather, Trinity waddled outside and started heading towards the phone booth Morpheus had told her about. _All I have to do is keep going_, Trinity thought. _Going and going and_

--- 10 minutes and a lot of waddling later... ---

_going and- finally!_ Trinity smashed through the telephone booth and, using her tail, flicked the phone off of its receiver. She used her claw to press it to her head, and moments later, she was gone.

A truck pulled up to the phone booth and lunged forward, demolishing it instantly. The driver, the Agent that had been chasing Trinity, stepped out. From either side of the wreckage appeared the other two Agents.

"You were late." Drawled Agent Jones.

Smith contemplated telling them how difficult it was to drive a large truck in crocodile form, but decided against it, saying instead "It doesn't matter."

"We have the name of their next target. It is... Neo."

"A search has already begun."

The other two Agents turned and began to waddle away, but Smith stayed behind for a moment, surveying the wreckage. _It's nice how we don't get held responsible for these things_, he thought, then left.

---


	2. Chapter 2

The second chapter is now up (obviously). The next chapter will finish up the story, as I would like to finish this before leaving for 6 weeks this summer. Enjoy! It's rather long.

Crocodile Rock 

**Chapter 2**

_ Wake up, Neo._

Neo awoke with a start and fell onto his keyboard at the sight of the words on his computer screen, thus sending his mysterious friend a message that resembled something like

_SBUIgfnojirbdikkrb245 ._

There was a long pause before the reply came.

_The matrix has you._

Neo looked around and took the earphones off his ears, utterly confused.

"What the hell?"

_Follow the white rabbit._

A now nervous Neo glanced around nervously, expecting a white rabbit to leap out of the shadows of his closet and lead him somewhere. However, the only thing that happened was the abrupt demise of Neo's tower of CDs. Hardly noticing the pile of CD's on his floor, he turned back to the screen and saw:

_Knock, knock, Neo._

Neo looked at the screen as it went blank. He sat there for a minute. Then two. Finally, four minutes and fifty-three seconds later, just as Neo was getting ready to give up and go to bed, there came two knocks on the door.

Neo waddled over and pulled open the door. In the hallway stood Choi and his girlfriend, Dujour. Dujour, despite being a crocodile, was barely visible underneath her layers of makeup.

"You're a week late." Neo stated.

"Yeah, I know. It's her fault." He said, motioning to Dujour with one claw.

"A _week_." Neo emphasized.

"Look, here's the money." Neo turned around and waddled over to his bookcase, pulling out the _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ and opening it. Inside the hollow book was Neo's stash of drugs, aloe vera hand cream, and costume jewelry. He reached inside, took out a suspicious-looking package, and waddled back over to Choi.

"You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ."

"I'm atheist."

"Right. Here's the two grand." Choi managed to quickly change the topic.

Dujour looked over at Neo. Despite being a croc, he looked unusually pale.

"Hey, man, you look pretty pale. Wanna come to the club with us? Or did you just become albino?"

Neo had quick memories of the last time he went clubbing, and most of them involved some form of either wrestling with rabid dogs or an absurd amount of profanity (or both at the same time.). He shook his head, wondering why he would even consider asking.

Dujour leaned her head against Choi's and said, "C'mon, it'll be fun."

Neo opened his mouth to say no again when he caught sight of the white rabbit sticker attached to the piece of toilet paper stuck to Dujour's foot. So, essentially, what came out of Neo's mouth sounded not unlike "No- I- Uhh- OK, sure."

15 minutes later, Neo left a car packed with giggling crocodiles and ridiculously loud Barry Manilow music, only to enter the club. The club itself was decorated in such a way that it resembled a federal penitentiary (hence the club being named "Alcatraz"). He found a nice table in the corner where he could wait, trying to stay as far away from the alcohol as possible (crocodile bar fights have a tendency to get extremely messy), when he was approached by another croc.

The crocodile joining Neo was wearing some very tight, very shiny leather that was making it hard for her to walk. She sat down and faced Neo in a businesslike manner.

"Neo, I know all about you. I know why-"

"Excuse me, " Neo interrupted. "Er, would you mind moving over a seat? The light from the lights is bouncing off your leather and blinding me."

A miffled-looking Trinity scooted over a seat and leaned over into Neo's ear, whispering "It's the question that drives us. It's the question that brought you here. You know what the question is, don't you?"

Neo racked his brain for the question, but he couldn't think of any.

"Uhh... can I buy you a drink?"

A glare from Trinity was enough to tell Neo he was wrong.

"Uh... how... can I... get mortgage on my apartment in 3 simple steps?"

Trinity sighed.

"What is the matrix?"

Trin's face lit up like a neon sign. "Exactly. We'll meet again, Neo."

A puzzled Neo left the club, not bothering to ask Trinity why she hadn't answered his question at all.

--- The following morning... ---

_Bzzt! Bzzt!_

Neo flung himself out of bed with surprising flexibility for a crocodile and headed towards the door, murmuring a string of expletives all the way.

A spilled coffee and bizarre bus ride later, Neo arrived at work. Waddling in as fast as possible, he felt the hope rush through him. He was going to make it to his cubicle on time today! For the first time in a month!

So it was a very disappointed Neo who arrived at his cubicle (late) to find his boss standing there, looking as though he had swallowed a lemon (and a sour one at that, too).

"Er... good morning, Mr. Rhinesto- Rhineheart!"

Mr. Rhineheart, Neo's boss, who's biggest pet peeve was Neo, and second biggest pet peeve was being called "Rhinestone" (by Neo, no less), gave Neo the Death Glare™. "Follow me, please."

A few minutes later, Neo exited his boss' office looking meek and covered in bruises. The other employees, who had heard the crashes coming from the office during their meeting, turned around and ran when Rhineheart followed Neo out.

Returning to his cubicle, Neo was surprised to see a FedEx package sitting there on his desk. Confused, he looked around, wondering if this was a stupid prank. You could never be too sure, especially after last year's office party and the strange shenanigans that went on then... However, that was another story entirely.

Ripping off the top, Neo reached inside and pulled out a cell phone. To his astonishment, it began to ring immediately.

Turning it on, Neo said, "Hello?"

"Neo."

"...Mr. Rhineheart?" Guessed Neo, hoping to God (despite being an atheist) that Rhineheart wasn't stalking him now.

"No, Neo. This is Morpheus."

"Mor...phe...us..." Neo sounded out the name carefully. Whoever the hell this Morpheus character was, Neo was already slightly unnerved by him.

"Neo, they are coming for you."

"Who?" Neo looked around cautiously. The other crocs in the office suddenly seemed extremely suspicious. Especially Frank by the water cooler, with his shifty eyes and-

"Look up and see for yourself."

Neo spent the following three minutes trying to get on top of his desk in order to obtain a better view, and when he did, all he saw were a few top hats.

"Who are they?" Neo asked as the top hats disappeared beneath Neo's view.

"Agents. Neo, you have to get out..." Morpheus trailed off, and when Neo turned around and fell off his cubicle desk, he saw why. Three Agents, all wearing custom-made silk top hats, were standing there, looking grim. Neo gulped and put down the cell phone.

--- After 20 minutes of wrestling Neo into the car outside... ---

Trinity glanced back over her shoulder, looking at Neo being driven away.

"Shit." She swore, revving up her motorcycle. She slammed on the gas and was immediately thrown off the back of the bike, which zoomed ahead a foot or two before slamming into the curb.

"Don't ye hate it when yer wiped off?" Remarked an old croc, chuckling as he passed Trin. Trinity only responded with a glare, then got back up on the bike and carefully secured her seat belt, driving off moments later.

--- Back to the Agents... ---

Neo sat in a small room with nothing but a window and small table. It was absolutely silent until the door slowly creaked open, revealing three Agents, who calmly waddled in. Neo pretended to act cool. After all, they were wearing top hats, and, as everyone knows, no one in a top hat can really be taken seriously.

"_Mr_. Anderson," Began one of the Agents, the one called Smith. "We have had our eye on you for some time now."

Neo was tempted to say _Oh, you share an eye, do you? _and then coolly flip him the finger and walk out. However, what came out instead was:

"Oh."

The Agent cracked his knuckles and then continued. "You see, we know that you are a computer hacker. And we would be willing to wipe the slate clean for you- Destroy all evidence of previous hacking crimes, that is."

Neo looked at the Agent long and hard, trying to look cool and not to wet his pants at the same time. "Look, how about we do this. I give you the finger... and you let me get a phone call?" Oh, he was _cool_. No, he was more than cool- he was... _suave_.

Agent Smith sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Tell me, _Mr._ Anderson, what good is giving me the finger... if you _have_ no fingers?"

Neo's suave-ness disappeared as he looked down and was reminded that he was lacking fingers on both of his hands and his feet. "I... uh..."

"It was a rhetorical question, Mr. Anderson." Smith said, exasperated.

Neo looked at him and shrugged. "I knew that."

Then everything went black.

--- The following morning... ---

Neo awoke in his apartment, sitting up with such a start that his tail lashed out and knocked over a pot of coffee. He sighed and tried to relax. After all, it was only a dream. And it really was no worse than the one where he was dancing with the Pope-

The ring of the telephone interrupted Neo's train of thought. He reached over and picked it up.

"Hello, Neo."

"Morpheus?"

"Yes, that's me. Meet me under the Flowered Bridge in ten minutes."

"Are you stalking me or _what_, man?"

Fortunately, Morpheus had hung up by then.

--- Ten minutes later... ---

Neo stood underneath the Flowered Bridge, which provided a nice contrast to it's surroundings. The Bridge was covered in assorted flowers, vines, and colorful drawings, while the sky was a dark, stormy gray and the rain had never poured down harder.

A black car pulled up and the door was flung open with a hard kick from Trinity's tail.

"Get in."

Neo looked around. "You talkin' to me?"

Trinity reached out and pulled Neo in with her claw as the car sped off.

Safe inside the car, Neo started to become curious. "This car got power windows?"

The driver, Apoc, glanced back at him. "Yeah. Side impact airbags, too."

An impressed Neo looked around the car. "Ooh, a removable center console."

"Yeah, I love that. You know what else it's got? A-"

Switch spoke for the first time, eager to finally end the technical conversation. "Shut up. We think you're bugged."

A terrified Neo managed to eek out a "Bugged?" before Trinity was on top of him with what looked like a giant Cuisinart. Apoc glanced back at the two crocs and tried to keep from laughing and crashing the car.

Neo's shrieks, however, wiped the smile off of the driver's face as Trinity lifted the de-bugger off of his stomach. "Ah-ha!"

"That doesn't look like a bug, Trin." Said Switch, looking worriedly at an unconscious Neo.

"Shit," said Trin. "I think I got his liver."

--- 20 minutes later... ---

After the liver was replaced using some surgical skills and high-tech bugging equipment, the car pulled up to an abandoned warehouse. Neo exited the car and entered the building, shaking slightly from the intensity of the recent de-bugging.

"Sorry," Said Trinity, catching up to Neo. "Guess you weren't bugged after all!"

The walk to the room at the top was quick, and Neo was grateful to enter the room and sit down. A large crocodile walked over and whacked him in the face with his tail. The gesture of whacking someone's face with your tail, by the way, is a common gesture used to greet people with, as crocs cannot shake hands (and if they could, they would lose their balance and fall). 

After the greeting, Trinity was dismissed as Morpheus and Neo prepared to talk.

"Neo... I bet right now you feel a bit like Alice, tumbling through the rabbit hole."

Neo, who had never been very interested in books, responded with an "Uh... no."

Morpheus blinked once and continued. "I can show you what the matrix is, Neo. Would you like to know what it is?"

Neo nodded and Morpheus held out both of his claws. The left claw contained a red pill, while the right one held a blue pill. "Your choice, Neo. The red pill will give you access to the truth about the Matrix." Morpheus felt miffed about omitting his trademark 'Alice in Wonderland' reference, but he realized it would be best not to confuse the poor croc. "Take the blue pill, and you'll wake up, back at home, safe in your bed. The blue pill has also been known to cure some minor allergy symptoms." He added as an afterthought.

Neo didn't waste any time reaching for the red pill. However, getting it into his hand was slightly more difficult...

--- 10 minutes of fumbling pills later... ---

Neo threw the pill down his throat and swallowed. "Done!" He shouted cheerfully, waking up Morpheus, who had been dozing peacefully. 

"Good. Follow me." Morpheus led Neo into an adjoining room, where a lot of computer equipment was set up, and surrounding it was a large group of crocodiles. Neo was escorted to a seat.

"Neo, have you ever felt like you were in a dream that was so real, that you couldn't tell the difference between the dream and the real world?"

"No." Replied Neo truthfully.

_Dammit, I'm running out of metaphors_, thought Morpheus, but instead said "What if you were unable to awake from that dream? How would you know where you were?"

An aggravated Neo replied, "I told you, man, I never experienced that befo-"

Morpheus, his glasses trembling on his snout from frustration, nodded to Cypher. And then everything went black for Neo.

---

"Where... am... I?" Neo whispered. He was still confused as to what he had been through, but he could remember it involved pink goo and seeing lots of crocodiles in pods. Kinda disturbing, too.

He was in a white room, a very white room. "Am I dead?"

The face of Morpheus appeared above his. "Far from it." He replied sagely.

Neo blinked once, registered the fact that he looked like a gigantic pincushion, and feel asleep.

---

When Neo woke up, he was lying down on a bed in some kind of ship. He sat up and looked at his claws, arms and legs, noticing that they all had plugs. And his tail- his lovely tail had a metal _hole_ in it. Neo let out a piercing shriek.

Morpheus flung open the door at the same time and managed to get an earfull. Noticing his guest, Neo stopped and looked at Morpheus. "Sorry, but... there's a hole in my tail."

Morpheus nodded. "Perfectly normal! C'mon, lemme show you around."

A bewildered Neo followed Morpheus out of the cabin and onto the main deck. "This is my ship, the Nebbercadutagaflet." He paused to sigh contentedly. "My pride and joy."

Neo nodded, eyebrows furrowed. Morpheus pointed to the various crocodiles on the ship. "This one is Apoc." Neo nodded at the croc with long hair fashioned in an updo that resembled one of Thomas Jefferson's wigs.

"This is Trinity." Neo gaped at the sexy, welding-helmet-wearing croc, who looked even more fabulous in clothes she was able to move in.

"Switch, Mouse, Tank, Dozer, and Cypher." Morpheus rattled off the names of the rest of the crew, pointing a finger in their general direction. After a while, Morpheus knew, it could be hell on your nerves introducing everyone to everyone else.

"Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi." Neo tried to recognize everyone, but Morpheus was practically pushing him along and onto a chair.

Lying down on top of the chair, Morpheus approached him with a plug in his teeth. "This many feel a little strange." He warned, before plugging the wire into Neo's tail.

_You know, when he carries the plug in his teeth, _Thought Neo,_ he looks like a pirate! Ha, ha! Ha! Ha ha ha h- AAAAAHHHHH!_

---

Neo was in a room, and it was white. Really white. White like clouds. Or a carnation. Or milk! Or-

"Neo, this is the matrix." Somehow, Morpheus had appeared behind him while he was thinking.

"White like milk." Neo stated his thoughts out loud.

If Morpheus' eyebrows had gone any higher, they would have fallen off his face. "Neo, the matrix is a computer-generated world."

Neo nodded understandingly. "You understand?" Morpheus asked hopefully.

Neo's nod quickly turned into a shaking of his head. "No, not really."

Morpheus sighed and handed Neo a brochure entitled '_Everything You Wanted to Know About the Matrix But Were Afraid to Ask!_'. "Aren't you going to explain it to me?" Inquired Neo.

Morpheus shook his head, knocking his glasses off onto the floor. Neo squinted and looked hard at the brochure. "Morpheus, this has big words. I can't understand it."

"Neo, that word is 'machine'." Morpheus replied, placing his glasses back on his snout.

"Oh."

Ripping the brochure from Neo's hands, Morpheus began to explain. "It all started a long time ago. The machines grew bitter with their longtime enemies, humans. The machines eventually killed all of the humans and replaced them with elephants. However, the elephants were too big and cumbersome, so the machines switched to crocs. Crocs were much easier, partially because they fit their pods so nicely."

"Oh." Neo stated simply.

"That's all you have to say? You've been living in a dream world for your entire life and all you have to say is 'Oh'?"

"The machines did a good job with creating our cuisine." Neo said thoughtfully.

---

The next thing Neo knew, he was waking up back in his chair on the Nebbercadutagaflet. Morpheus was fuming, angered at Neo for being such a 'prick'. Well, that's what Tank was able to decipher from his vehement mumbling.

"That was fun." Neo said, with a goofy grin. Tank raised his eyebrows and concluded that their was now officially no chance in hell for Zion's survival if this was the One as the rest of the crew left them alone for training.

"So, you're Neo? Are you ready to begin your training?" Tank inquired.

"Training?"

Tank smiled and plugged Neo in. A few seconds later, Neo awoke, his mind full of jujitsu moves.

"That was freaky." Neo stated simply, then cheerfully added, "I know jujitsu!"

--- 10 hours later ---

Morpheus entered the room to see a very tired-looking Tank. "How's it going?"

Tank looked at Morpheus with pleading eyes. "10 hours straight. But every time he finishes, he says-"

"I know kung fu!" Neo interrupted.

"...That." Tank finished wearily.

Morpheus raised his stubby arm to pat Tank on the shoulder, but instead fell down. When he got back up, he used his tail to tap him on the shoulder. "I'll take him into the sparring program now."

Suddenly, Neo sat up straight, eyes shining. "I know kung fu!"

Morpheus nodded. "Show me."

Neo lunged out of his seat and attacked Morpheus with his tail. Morpheus dodged it and said "In the program! Hold on!"

--- In the program... ---

Morpheus looked at Neo, who was trying out his new moves on no one in particular, shrugged, and ran forward as fast as he possibly could (seeing as he was a crocodile, that wasn't terribly fast, of course.). Neo sensed his coming, leaned back, and tripped him. Morpheus went flying into the wall.

"I beat you!" Neo called out cheerfully. Morpheus brushed himself off and glared at Neo before calling, "Tank, load the jump program."

Seconds later, Neo and Morpheus were standing on the roof of a tall building. Morpheus, angered at losing to Neo in the sparring program, was determined to make Neo fail. Or look like a fool. _ Or possibly both! _Morpheus thought. _Bwah ha ha-_ Morpheus quickly stopped his mental evil laughter and looked back over his shoulder at Neo. "Free your mind."

And with that, he jumped up off the ground and leaped to the building across the street. Landing on the other side, he made a huge show of brushing off his coat with his tail. However, Neo didn't seem very impressed.

"HOW DO YOUR GLASSES STAY ON?" He yelled from the rooftop.

Morpheus sighed and yelled back, "FREE YOUR MIND!"

Neo backed up a few steps. "Free my mind. Right." He ran to the edge of the building and jumped, feeling the cold air rush past his head.

"Morpheus, I'm flyyyyyyy-iiiiiiiiiiiing!"

Morpheus smirked and watched as Neo crashed to the ground.

"Tank, get us out of here."

--- Back in the Nebbercadutagaflet... ---

Trinity unplugged Morpheus, who had a grin the size of the Neb itself plastered on his face.

"What happened?" She inquired.

"Neo fell." He answered, before breaking into throes of maniacal laughter.

Trinity walked over to Neo, unplugging him.

"Y'know, Neo, I think he likes you."

Suddenly, an alarm went off. Lights began flashing and Tank and Trinity rushed to the front of the ship. Morpheus managed to get his laughter under control and followed them.

"Sentinels," Said Tank. "Two of them."

"Shit." Trinity declared.

"What are Sentinels?" Neo asked.

"They're killing machines, designed for only one thing."

"What?"

"Well, killing... duh." Dozer broke in.

In front of them, two giant machines appeared and began to look around. "Ssh." Ordered Morpheus.

"What, you think if we'll be quiet, they'll just... go away?" Neo chuckled.

"Actually, I do. Now shut up." Morpheus retorted.

The Sentinels approached the ship and began to look around. After a few minutes of finding nothing, they left.

"You have to be kidding me. Wow, Morpheus, you were right." Said an amazed Neo.

_I was right! I was right and he was wrong!_

This time, Morpheus didn't bother to keep his laughter under control.


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't want to remember _nothing_." Cypher said to Agent Smith, who was calmly sitting opposite the balding croc, watching him bite into a piece of steak.

"Perfectly fine."

Cypher looked at Smith for a moment and then nodded, turning his head up to a passing waiter. "...Do you have any Grey Poupon?" He asked pompously.

Smith sighed, getting Cypher's attention as the waiter slunk off to find some mustard for him. "Oh, and I want to be rich and famous. Someone important. Like an actor."

"No problem."

"And I don't want to have to pay taxes."

"Of course."

"And I want a mansion filled with sexy crocs in bikinis-"

"Mr. Reagan..." Smith warned.

"Fine." Cypher sighed. "If it's troublesome for you, you could lose the bikinis and keep the girls-"

"Reagan!"

--- Back on the Neb... ---

"Trinity?"

"Yeah?" Trinity replied, trying desperately to scratch an itch on her back.

"You think he likes me?" Asked Neo, motioning to Morpheus, who was walking towards them.

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't he?" Trinity asked, surprised.

"It's just that... that... every time he looks at me, he breaks into these throes of maniacal laughter."

"Morpheus is... different. But I'm sure he likes you just fine." Trinity lifted her tail a little higher and reached the itchy spot, finally getting rid of the itch.

Morpheus approached the two standing in the hallway outside of the mess hall. "Trinity, get Dozer. We're going to take Neo to see the Oracle." Trinity immediately turned to waddle off and inform Dozer.

Neo smiled at his new captain, who, in response, broke into throes of maniacal laughter. Neo's grin slid off his face and he went to go get plugged in.

A few minutes later, the crocs were plugged into the matrix and ready to go.

"We'll be back in an hour." Morpheus said coolly to Switch, Apoc, Trinity, and Cypher. Ushering Neo into the car, he waddled over to the driver's seat and drove off.

The car ride was rather short, seeing as the Oracle's building was next door to the abandoned building where they had left the others. Wondering why they couldn't have just walked, Neo exited and walked up the stairs to the Oracle's apartment.

Arriving at the Oracle's door, Morpheus turned to Neo. "I told you I could only show you the door. You have to walk through it."

Neo nodded, managing to look confident and superior. He turned and walked to a door down the hall before throwing it open with his tail. Morpheus thwacked his face with his tail and called out after Neo, "Not _that_ door, this one!"

"Oh." Neo walked back to the apartment Morpheus was standing next to and pushed the door open.

"Welcome, Neo. You're right on time." Came the voice of a blonde croc in a toga, as she led Neo into the apartment, as if she had been waiting for him the entire time. "The Oracle will see you shortly."

After staring at the toga-clad croc for a couple seconds more, Neo waddled over to a small platypus sitting on the floor. Around him lay several spoons, twisted beyond recognition.

"What are you doing? These are antique silver!" Exclaimed Neo, horrified at the child's blatant disregard for fine antiquities.

"There is no spoon." Said the small platypus.

Neo looked at the spoon resting in his claw. "Then what's this that I'm holding?" He asked, puzzled.

The platypus rolled his eyes. "It's a metaphor, you idiot."

Neo stared at the spoon while Spoon Platypus looked on in amusement, until Neo felt a tap on his shoulder.

"The Oracle will see you now."

Neo dropped the spoon and nodded at the platypus before waddling into the kitchen.

"Hello?" He called. Suddenly, a figure came out of the shadows, carrying a tray of cookies. Neo nearly fell over in shock. It wasn't a croc. It wasn't an elephant. It was... a... human?

"Crikey, Neo!" Called Steve Irwin, his Australian accent heavy as always.

"You're the Oracle?" Neo responded.

"Sure thing, mate! And you're supposed to be One?"

There was nothing Neo could do but nod in shock.

"Well, let's get started. Open your mouth."

Neo opened his mouth and the Oracle stuck his head in, looking around. "Crikey, look 't those beauties! Those teeth are razor-sharp!"

After a few more moments, Steve said : "Well, mate, I 'ate to say this, but you ain't the One."

"I'm not?"

"Naw. Maybe in your next life or something. Y'got bloody 'mazin' teeth, though. Cookie?"

Neo looked at the overly-cheery Australian and shook his head. "No thanks." He said, before walking out and meeting Morpheus in the hallway.

"What was said was meant for you and you alone."

Neo nodded and they continued their walk to the building next door in silence, until Neo broke the quiet with, "You didn't tell me Steve Irwin was the Oracle."

--- Back at the abandoned building... ---

The crew of the Neb trooped up the stairs, on their way to go back to their hovercraft. Neo abruptly turned his head to the side, remarking, "Dejá vu."

The rest of the crocs immediately stopped and surrounded Neo.

"What?"

"I said dejá vu."

"What happened?"

"Well, a black cat walked by, meowed, turned around three times, and then fell through a hole in the floor. Then another cat that looked exactly like it walked by and did the same thing."

"Was it the same cat?" Morpheus demanded.

"I... I don't know." Neo replied truthfully.

"It's a trap." Morpheus stated. "Go!" The crocs turned around and ran up the stairs.

--- After running around the building for about ten minutes... ---

Neo paused to gasp for air, tired from running for the past ten minutes. They were in a bathroom of some sort, and Apoc and Switch seemed to be trying to create a hole in the wall using their teeth. Trinity waddled back over to Neo and gave him a comforting smile.

"You OK?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Good. Get into the wall." And before Neo knew it, he was inside the hole Apoc and Switch had made, inside the wall, climbing down.

A few minutes later, the Agents arrived to see a large hole in the wall near the floor. Not seeming to notice, the top-hatted evildoers exited, leaving one soldier alone in the bathroom, snooping around.

Inside the wall a cloud of dust fell, causing Cypher to sneeze.

"Bless you." Said the soldier, turning around to exit. Reaching the door, he did a double take and whirled around. "They're in the walls!"

The crocs, excluding Morpheus, immediately let go of their holds on the wall, falling down and landing in one giant, scaly heap at the bottom. Cypher glanced around nervously, then crawled off mysteriously, quietly practicing his evil laugh.

--- Back in the bathroom... ---

Morpheus worked his tail around Smith's throat. "Who are you?" He gasped.

"A Smith." Came the top-hatted croc's reply. Morpheus threw him across the room with a powerful flick of his tail.

"How the hell did your top hat just stay on?" Morpheus asked in astonishment.

Smith merely smirked and began pounding Morpheus into a pulp.

--- Back on the Neb... ---

Dozer unplugged Cypher, who got up slowly and crawled to the other side of the room, where a large, conspicuous plasma gun was waiting. He looked at Tank, who was unsuspectingly typing away on the keyboard, as usual, then picked up the gun.

Well, tried, anyway.

After three minutes of fumbling the gun, Cypher managed to gain control of it and shoot it in the general direction of Tank, who whirled around and flung himself against the monitors, gasping for air.

"C'mon, Tank, I didn't even hit you." Cypher said in exasperation.

Tank looked down at himself and saw no wounds. "Oh." He said, before Cypher blasted him with the gun.

Dozer looked at the crumpled body of Tank, then at Cypher, then at Tank, then at Cypher, and so on, until he got dizzy and gave up. Of course, by that time, Cypher had already shot him.

The balding crocodile waddled over to Tank, placing the operator's headset on his own head.

--- At the TV repair shop... ---

Trinity pulled out her cell phone with her tail after unsuccessfully attempting to reach her back with her stumpy arms and connected to the Neb. "Hello?"

"Trinity." Came the voice of Cypher.

"Oh, God. You killed them!" She exclaimed.

There was a moment of silence from the other end of the phone, then: "Wow, you're good."

"I'm right?"

"Yeah."

"Shit!" She yelled.

Neo watched Trinity on the phone with Cypher. He couldn't hear what Cypher was saying, but Trinity's responses were mostly the same- either "Shit!" or "Goddamn you, Cypher!", so Neo assumed she was mad at him.

All of a sudden, Trinity's eyes focused on Apoc. Apoc glanced around nervously, now that all of the eyes in the room were on him. Suddenly, he and Switch fell over, lying on their backs, stumpy feet in the air.

Neo looked at them in horror as Trinity continued her string of expletives directed towards Cypher.

And then the phone rang.

A puzzled Trinity dropped her cell phone and picked up the phone on the table, going back to the Neb.

--- Back on the Neb... ---

Tank unplugged Trinity, who sat up slowly. She looked around the room, her eyes falling on the lifeless croc that was Dozer. "Dozer..."

Tank nodded grimly, and the two crocs somehow managed to hug each other.

Back in the matrix, Neo looked around at the silent, abandoned TV repair shop. "Tank? Trinity? Can you get me out of here? Guys?"

--- In the Tupperware Building... ---

Smith injected the needle into Morpheus' throat.

"How does it work?" He asked Agent Jones.

"The more inanely you talk, the more quickly he will break. Then we will have the secret Bush's baked beans recipe!" He replied, adjusting his top hat. 

"You mean the Zion mainframe codes?"

"Uh... yeah." Jones replied. Smith nodded and motioned for Jones and Brown to leave.

"I'd like to share a revelation I had a while ago with you," Began the Agent, removing his earpiece. "It came to me when I was trying to classify your... species."

Morpheus simply sat there, drool coming from the end of his mouth. Smith stared at the drooling croc, decided he wasn't being inane enough, and decided to take the punishment up a notch further.

--- In the Neb... ---

"What are they doing to him?" Neo asked. He had finally been remembered and unplugged several minutes after Trinity.

"They're trying to get the Zion mainframe codes out of him. All they have to do is talk inanely for a while, and eventually, he'll crack."

"But he's _Morpheus_. Do you think he'll crack?"

Tank looked sadly at Neo. "These are Agents. Everybody cracks."

Neo waddled over to his chair and started the preparations for plugging in.

"What are you doing?" Trinity called.

"I'm going in." Said an ultra-suave Neo.

"No. Morpheus sacrificed himself so you could get out-"

"No, Morpheus did what he did because he believes I'm something that I'm not."

Trinity and Tank stared at Neo in confusion. "What you say?" Tank asked.

"I'm not the One. The Oracle told me."

"Oh, did he? Neo, Steve Irwin is the Oracle, dammit. Are you going to listen to your heart or Steve Irwin?" Trinity demanded.

"Good point." Neo paused. "Well, let's go in anyway."

--- Back in the Tupperware Building... ---

"'...Then, Chantal Devereaux, her smoky mahogany eyes burning like the fire of a million suns, used her levitation power to raise Neo high into the sky. Her ripe chestnut hair gleamed like a thousand ripe chestnuts, and Neo could almost taste her smell of passionate citrus-'" Smith was interrupted by Jones and Brown walking in suddenly.

"What were you doing?" Jones inquired.

Smith held up a large, gold-thread-bound glossy volume. "Mary-Sues, to break his mind."

Brown turned to Jones. "He doesn't know."

--- Down below, in the lobby... ---

A guard lazily waddled up to Neo as he entered the the lobby. "Please remove all metal objects-"

He trailed off when Neo opened his coat with his tail to reveal all of his guns. "Holy shit!" He yelled, before being shot by Neo. Neo only had to look at the other guards before they all turned around and ran as fast as they could (Well, as fast as a croc could run) for their lives.

Trinity entered behind Neo and together they waddled towards the elevator.

Suddenly, backup showed up. The guards each went behind their own pillar for protection as one guard yelled "Freeze!". 

There was a moment of silence before Trinity yelled back "Everybody clap your hands!". 

The guards were not amused. 

Over the following ten minutes, despite being crocodiles, Neo and Trinity managed to turn cartwheels, shoot other crocs, do fancy kicks with their tails and run off of walls, dressed in tight black leather the entire time.

When the fighting came to an end, Trinity and Neo crawled into the elevator. Trinity managed to open the metal suitcase she had been carrying and take out a bomb. Neo leapt up in the air and crashed through the elevator roof, landing on top of the elevator. He also gave himself a splitting migraine from the force of his jump against the metal roof of the elevator.

Seconds later, the two crocs were zooming towards the top of the building, their tails wrapped around the wire used to pull them up.

They reached the roof just as the bomb exploded, sending doors off their hinges and crocs flying. Upstairs, the explosion hit the Agents with such force that their top hats fell off.

"Find them!" Growled a very angry Smith as the water from the sprinkler poured down on him.

--- On the roof... ---

Trinity and Neo looked around at the dead crocodiles that lay around them. It had been a long fight and they were getting ready to go save Morpheus when-

An Agent appeared in the helicopter next to them and crawled out.

Neo stared at the Agent and then began to fire. The croc easily dodged all of the bullets by jumping over them, ducking them, and moving his head to the side. However, by the time Neo ran out of ammo, the Agent's top hat had a few holes in it.

Grimly adjusting his hat, the Agent picked up his own gun.

"Triniteeeeeee!" Shrieked Neo as the Agent began to shoot.

To Neo, it seemed like time had stopped. He dodged the bullets with ease before falling to the ground. The Agent crawled over and held his gun to Neo's head.

"Only amphibian." He snarled.

"Reptilian." Neo corrected. 

Suddenly, Trinity pressed her gun against the top-hatted Agent's head. "Dodge this."

She pulled the trigger and the croc undramatically fell over sideways.

After a few minutes of struggling to get Neo off of his back, Neo said, "Did you see that? I dodged all of the bullets!"

"Neo, they all went over your head. He just had a bad shot."

Neo scowled and quickly changed the subject. "Do you know how to fly that thing?"

Trinity shook her head. "Not yet." She switched on her cell phone. "Tank, I need to learn how to fly a B-16 F-20 Super-Auto Turbo-Power Boeing 707."

There was silence on the other end, then "Come again?"

Trinity sighed. "Hurry!"

Moments later, Trinity and Neo entered the helicopter.

--- Back to the Agents... ---

The Agents looked at Morpheus, who was handcuffed, sweating, and soaked with water from the overhead sprinkler. Smith was not the least bit concerned about his hair, as he was a machine and his hair could easily be upgraded.

_Well... can you really 'upgrade' hair? Because it's not a machine itsel-_

Smith's thoughts were cut off as a helicopter appeared outside the window.

"No." He gasped, as Neo started to fire on the Agents with the machine gun in the helicopter.

Minutes later, the room was in shambles. Nothing was left standing- except for Morpheus, who seemed to have been unaffected by the recent hail of gunfire.

"Get up, Morpheus." Neo whispered. "Get up."

Morpheus, meanwhile, was struggling to stay conscious and wriggle out of his handcuffs. The handcuffs were pulling his stumpy croc arms together, making it quite uncomfortable for the Fearless Leader of the Neb.

Suddenly, he reared his head up and roared, breaking free of his bondage. Neo, seeing this, blinked twice and tied a rope around his stomach. Morpheus ran forward and leapt out of the window, being caught by Neo. Trinity began to fly away.

Down below, a small croc child who had recently come from the doctor after having what her mother deemed 'hallucinations' of flying crocodiles in top hats looked up.

"Mommy, look! A crocodile is flying a helicopter that has two other crocs dangling from it by a rope!"

The mother sighed and looked up herself. Nevertheless, she got quite a shock when she saw exactly what her daughter had described.

The helicopter landed on a rooftop, and Trinity, Neo, and Morpheus exited it.

Neo and Trinity looked at each other hard. They gazed into each other's eyes for what seemed an eternity.

"Neo, I-" Trinity began.

"Do you believe it now, Trinity?" Morpheus boomed, walking over to the happy couple.

"Way to ruin the moment." Muttered Neo under his breath.

Not bothering to get an answer, Morpheus dialed Tank on his cell phone.

"Tank, we need an exit."

---

Ten minutes later, Morpheus, Trinity and Neo had reached the subway station where Tank had assured them a phone would be waiting.

"You first, Morpheus." Trinity ushered Morpheus into the phone booth.

After minutes of grunting, Morpheus gave up. "I can't reach the phone, Trin."

Trin sighed and knocked the phone off of it's receiver with her tail, and Morpheus pressed the phone against the ear.

When Morpheus disappeared, Trinity turned to Neo.

"Neo..."

Neo looked at Trinity. "Yeah?" He said, trying to look macho and suave after his recent heroic saving of Morpheus. He would've slicked back his hair, too, if he had any hair.

The phone began to ring.

Trinity sighed. "Forget it." She said, pressing the phone against her head.

Only seconds after Trinity was gone, a hole appeared in the telephone.

Neo looked at it blankly, and then looked to the side, where Smith was standing, gun in hand.

"_Mr_. Anderson! Mr. Anderson, it's nice meeting you again. I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Anderson." Smith said.

"My name... is... Neo!"

Smith sighed, obviously very put out. "Mr. Anderson, you weren't supposed to say that until the climax. You just ruined the dramatic effect, Mr. Anderson."

"Is that why you keep calling me Mr. Anderson?"

"Yes, Mr. Anderson."

Neo shuddered. "You can stop now, it's freaking me out."

Smith smirked. "I'm afraid not, Mr. Anderson. Shall we fight... Mr. Anderson?"

Neo looked at Smith, and then at Smith's gun. Then he turned around and ran.

What followed was quite interesting. As everyone knows, crocodiles lack the ability to run fast. Therefore, the highly anticipated high-speed chase turned out to be Neo crawling along the curb, with Agent Smith waddling only slightly faster behind him.

--- Back in the Neb... ---

"Sentinels!" Tank shouted across the room, over the blare of the alarm.

Morpheus covered his ears, which were already hurting from the din, and contemplated yelling back 'Ya think?' or something that would make Tank sounds like an idiot. Instead, he waddled over to the EMP and flipped the top open. Neo would make it... if he would only move a little faster, that was...

--- Back to Neo... ---

Neo reached the apartment building where Tank had told him a while ago a phone would be waiting.

He waddled up the stairs and kicked open one of the doors with his tail.

Smith was waiting, gun in claw.

Moments later, ten bullets were buried deep in Neo's scaly skin. And he still wasn't dead.

"Ow." He remarked simply.

_Then_ he died.

Back on the Neb, the three crocodiles stared at the monitors in disbelief. Trinity rushed over to Neo, lying on his chair.

"Neo... I've waited so long to say this... even though you've only been here a week. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love... and he also told me that the man I loved would be the One. So that means you can't be dead, Neo. You can't. Because I love you."

And with that, she kissed him. Actually, she pressed her lips to his cheek, because she didn't want to bite his face off, but... it was still romantic.

Tank brushed a tear off his face and patted Morpheus with his tail. Morpheus himself was leaning on Tank's shoulder and sobbing "It's... just like... Oprah...".

Suddenly, the spell was broken by a sudden laser beam from the Sentinels outside.

"Dammit, Neo, get up off the floor and kick some ass!" Trinity screamed, causing Tank and Morpheus to abruptly stop crying.

--- In the abandoned building... ---

Neo got up, all right. He got up and thwacked Smith in the face with his tail.

"Mr. Anderson...?"

Neo nodded.

"Didn't I just...?" He paused, looking at the blood stains on the walls and thinking _I could've sworn I killed him... oh well._

Smith lunged at Neo, who leapt out of the way, sending Smith crashing into the wall. Laughing uproariously, Neo walked into the room ad picked up the phone.

--- Back on the Neb... ---

Tank switched on the EMP just as Neo arrived back on the Neb. As soon as Neo opened his eyes, Trinity had her snout on his, resulting in the longest, most passionate kiss in the history of crocodiles.

As Morpheus watched them, he murmured under his breath, "He is the One."

Tank, passing by, overheard him. "No shit, Morpheus."

--- In the matrix... a week later... ---

Neo hung up the phone and waddled out of the phone booth, putting on his shades as he did so. He looked around for a moment and then took off in flight.

Said a small croc child as she and her mother walked by: "Mommy, did you just see that croc in shades and a trenchcoat go flying?"

---


	4. Author's Note

I know very few of you read this fic, but I just had to make a last chapter for thanks and recognition's.

First of all, thanks to those people who made me write this on the Hardline: Troll, Kirke, Vitani_Fyrewolf, DanaScully, and trin_chardin.

And to those who 'reviewed' it when it was posted in the WiP section (well, it still is, but...): trin_chardin, DanaScully, Troll, Blake, Sara and September.

Also, thanks to the Maggiefic Mary-Sue generator for the Mary-Sue information I used in the last chapter. You can find it here: .

Lastly, thanks to the reviewers on ff.net: Lauren K, Stormhawk, Jennifer Jolie, Oddwen, chord, Emi, and Amethyst Star.

Oh, and one final thing: I know it's a little late, but I do not own the Matrix and the only thing that is profiting from this fic is my ego. ^^

Thanks again, everyone. Sorry for this unnecessary chapter, but I wanted to recognize everyone who helped. This fic has been submitted for a Golden Spoon in the "Best Humor" category. Not that it has a chance or anything. ^^

-Merc

June 20, 2003


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